A married couple recently ran to their church marriage counsellor for help, because the wife felt no matter how far back she bent, nothing seemed to please her angry husband.
He was increasingly physically and emotionally abusive, on top of being indifferent to her needs and concerns. Someone privy to that counselling session told me the husband was initially uncooperative, but then the pastor asked him, “How is your sex life?”
And his face fell, as the wife smirked. When all was said and done, it was discovered that since the husband started struggling with getting an erection, lasting through sex or even satisfying his wife, he had become increasingly aggressive and insulting.
His wife reported, they had not had meaningful sex in months and when the abuse escalated, she packed the kids and left. As we took a road trip with three of my married girlfriends last week, the issue came up and the ladies were unanimous: men with bedroom issues also turn into bedroom bullies. Literally.
“He will scream at you for no reason, put you down and batter your self-esteem, when he is really trying to deal with his own inadequacies,” Jussie (not real name) said, sending the car occupants into uproarious agreement.
“What is annoying is that even this inadequate strength he has, he insists on engaging a side dish, making things more frustrating,” Beat (not real name) joined in. “It is like dealing with a dim bulb meant to light up a small ka-room, but mister insists on using it in a conference hall!”
She joked that both ‘main dish’ and ‘side dish’ end up resenting each other, thinking that it is the other party that “finishes all the electricity! So, tell me, who really needs a side dish in such a marriage?”
Constance (not real name), on the other hand, said because her husband is neither confrontational nor abusive, he throws his energy into menial jobs around the house when he fails at his conjugal duties.
“He will nail things all over the place, trim the hedges, mend things and reorganise the furniture, just so he can fall into bed later and mumble: ‘I’m too tired, honey’, night after night!” she said.
And here I was thinking that sexual frustration turns wives alone into monstrous b*tches. Because it is well known that hell hath no fury like a wife whose husband constantly leaves her high and dry. But it emerges, men fare no better in that department; so, don’t underrate the sex in your marriage.
There is such a thing as Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) and the Healthline website lists “loss of male identity and purpose” as one of its causes. Most men feel defined by their ability to provide and by their ability to perform sexually.
A man low on his job luck, or one whose libido is a shadow of the stud he used to be, can be quite nasty to his wife, thanks to IMS. So, the next time he kicks the saucepan off the stove and proceeds to stand on his head, research about hormone treatment!
“When a man’s testosterone is out of whack, he gets…well, testy,” the website says. Testosterone levels are said to lower due to age, obesity and drinking alcohol.
So, chances are, as you grow older than 35 and your oestrogen levels start to drop as testosterone increases and starts unhinging you, your older husband’s testosterone is also dropping gradually as his oestrogen goes up (alcohol reportedly hikes oestrogen levels in both men and women).
Now, imagine all the drama around sex and other dynamics in such a marriage!
If the Prince Charming you married has recently transformed into an ogre, there! Find ways of improving your sex life. Few things fix a stressful, anger-packed marriage like great sex.
If you are a man and find your virility has become a distant memory, don’t take it out on your wife; find remedies. Change your lifestyle, get hormone treatment and basically deal with your dysfunctions.
With more women succeeding in the workplace and soaring above their husbands, there are more angry, sexless marriages than ever before…