I teach workshops to adults about how to have healthier, more pleasurable, more intimate sex lives. As a sex educator, I get to shed light on topics that most people didn’t get the chance to learn about in during their formal education.
There are certain themes that come up in workshop after workshop. People have questions, concerns and gaps in knowledge that come up regardless of where in the country I’m teaching.
Often, people tell me, “I wish I’d learned that sooner.” It’s those key lessons that I wish I could magically implant in everyone’s brain so they could experience more joy and less anxiety when it comes to their intimate lives.
Here are five of the things I wish everyone knew about sex:
1. Using sex toys doesn’t mean your partner isn’t “enough” for you.
This is a concern I hear often, nearly always from women worried that their male partners will be “threatened” by their vibrators.
Humans are tool-using primates. We don’t think we’re inadequate because we use a hammer to build a shelf. Why should we feel inadequate because we use tools to augment our sex play?
Tools make us clever. Sex toys are tools to bring pleasure, fun and maybe a little efficiency to your sex life. What’s not to love? Let’s have a little less judgment about them and a lot more high-fives about what fabulously clever tool-users we are, OK?
Just make sure they are made from body-safe materials like silicone, stainless steel, glass or hard plastic.
2. If you have a vagina and you do not orgasm from intercourse, you are in the majority.
I’ve had so many women in workshops tell me they feel “broken” because they “don’t orgasm from sex.” Despite the orgasmic throes we see depicted in mainstream movies and pornography alike, most women do not reliably orgasm from intercourse. Around three-quarters of women need clitoral stimulation in order to experience an orgasm.
Even vaginally-stimulated orgasms may be more clitorally-related than we realize. Many sex researchers think that the G-spot is actually just the internal structure of the clitoris. They suggest that “G-spot orgasms” are actually just clitoral orgasms stimulated from deeper inside the body. Regardless of what the G-spot is, the reality is that most women need additional sexual activities to have the Big O.